Sunday, June 29, 2003

i haven't played a thoroughly exhilarating football match since primary six. i still remember the soccer boys, nicholas, yee kai, ganesha, de jian and me. we'd play everyday after school everywhere till we were all a sweaty mess and we'd crowd the mama shop next to the coffeeshop at the library. and then there was the last addition, whom i didnt really want to hang out with us. i thought we were exclusive and i didnt welcome him. i still think we're exclusive and i dont enjoy football with anyone else.i miss ga-ga!and i want to play football together with them again!

told vegan and gang that common tests werent getting me down because it was trivial. their reply: five pairs of eyeballs rolled bigly at the same time.

thanks for that, guys.

Dearest family,
i am going for a holiday in outer space.i have only brought along my Alien Express card[don't leave home without it].please send along my power ranger things to:The International Pluto Complex,Ridiculous Speed Mail co.Just write my name on the parcel and they will know what to do.

tell the earth not to weep for me as i will only be gone for 100,000,000,000,000,000 billion snail years.you can visit me if you wish at:Gnes Ooj Universe Club.you can let those goo-for-nothings on your planet to use my things.But NEVER donate it to charity.may the Power be with you all.

your's ultra sincerely,
you-know-who


how bizarre.i stumbled on this note i wrote in p3 while going through my stuff. its shocking that i've wanted to escape since 95.thats like eight years of self-delusion that one day i will go away.perhaps i never will.and THAT LIST, its been stuck in my mind since the song.especially the backpacking part.we thought of taking a taking a train to bangkok where we'd be a-go-go dancers, going to bhutan where we'd introduce raving, going to goa and settle for half a year with a pink house over looking the sea and learning portuguese, going to teheran to engage in persian sexcapades preferably on a nice thick carpet, going to baghdad and then engaging in mesopotamian sexcapades, going to moscow to pretend to be american spies, going to istanbul and pretend we were separated in different continents, going to athens to learn greek, going to venice and poking holes in gondolas, going to florence where we'd protest against the renaissance, going to vienna where we'd play mozart on tambourines and castanets, going to berlin to continue destroying the existing parts of the berlin wall, going to amsterdam where we'd get addicted to drugs, going to london to maybe fall london bridge, ending up in paris penniless and earning our way out by drawing potraits or acting in french porn, con our way to iceland and lynch bjork, going to milan where we'd model the hippest designer threads, going to rio to step on jesus' feet, going to the carribbean to see big sex organs. it'd have been such a trip, and we'd fall even more madly in love. oh and we'd settle down in a nice apartment in queenstown in nz. THAT LIST. one day i'll orchestrate my own Great Gatsby, and i dont want fries with that dammit.

a house of cards on nothing

was watching amazing race yesterday for some frivolity and i found it really hilarious!

OF COURSE the gay couple with chiselled looks would carry sedate cheese while the soccer mums frolicked in cowshit.
OF COURSE the only team the gay couple would trust was "the supremes".
how very entertaining! seriously!

but the part that really got me on the rocks was when the team that wanted out was in and the team that actually tried was out. how bullshitty.

and the part where they were in amsterdam reminded me how amsterdam used to be the highlight in my europe backpacking trip that was on the things-to-do-list that i kept with D.

a part of me will always be left in that list, i think. and when will i be made to give up that part of me?

oh, what a night!

mugging with raihan today was fruitful
mugging with anyone else today was a waste of time

while i was half-studying with jieming ian johnchen shafiq,
i suddenly recalled how much i hated science.
cant believe i gave my life to science and it gave me two lousy A2's.
i recall how i'd be sitting around and looking at my fork
and my mind would see an alloy, or cations in a sea of electrons.
i recall how if i leaned against the sink
my mind would rush to label clearly the forces with dunno what contact force

my heart jumps into my throat when i reminisce about burning my books
i want to do it again!

Friday, June 27, 2003

from my Page of Random Thoughts:
why do they give eighteen year old boys rifles when they haven't even received the vote?

paraphrased from Chris Johnson's blog, seen in Miles' blog:
why do they give us naptime in kindergarten when it's the last thing on our minds then
and why don't they give it to us now, when all we want to do is sleep?

merindu kepastian :: art fazil
Andai kau menjadi pelangi
Biar ku jadi awannya
Agar kita selalu bersama

Andai kau menjadi sang duyung
Biar ku jadi karangnya
Agar kita sentiasa bersua

Andai kau menjadi merpati
Biar ku jadi sang bayu
Agar kita sering bertemu


when i love a song that says something to the effect of "if you're a flower, i'll be manure, so you can grow with me", as much as the language is beautiful, i know something has flown out of the window

angsty cynical teenager doesn't sound nice
visceral flower child is even more laughable

different! and creative! seem endless now
the want to be different is common
[something like "change is constant". yark.]
between fight and flight is the blind man's sight and the choice that's right
i wanted to be different
i wanted to push the door when it screams in painful bright red caps "pull!"

i just want to sit down and breathe now,
and maybe if i breathe hard enough
i could blow boulders up by just pointing at them randomly like they do with kungfu,
i could conjure hundreds of men with identical dance steps brimming in their heads,
everything in the world would shudder with beautiful synchronicity,
everyone in the world would want to mesh their fingers with mine
[and not just "wanna hold my hand"].

i'll just camp here in my cool dry place with turquoise yellow and mustard green
i shouldn't try so hard.

[MARCUS AW: it just means that i'll stop trying to search for absolutes, just like how i'm spurning labels.]

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Come Josephine, in my flying machine,
Going up, she goes! Up she goes!
Balance yourself like a bird on a beam,
In the air she goes; there she goes!
Up, up, a little bit higher.
Oh, my! The moon is on fire.
Come, Josephine in my flying machine,
Going up, all on, "Goodbye"


i'm ready to fall in love again.
i'm just checking to see if i can fall over with any of them again.
or else i'll just love whoever tears me away.
starting from now.

did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?

i have a story brewing in my head about the man who sells alarm clocks
i'd write it out but it think i'll just put everything off until some doctor diagnoses me with colon cancer
an aspirin a day is what would help
i'm on a really long term course of some drug which i don't know the name of
all i know about it is that i want it and i need it and it makes me feel goood and it costs a bomb but i get subsidy
maybe its because they're afraid i'll just burst into green slime once i hear hear the amount i have to fork out originally

if you're starting to think that this entry is just mindless rambling, don't.
because even if it is, it's important.
[i hate how people have blogs with rambled/spurted/squirted/sprouted/shooted from the mouth/throat/mind/brain/soul/anus of . if you have that please - i cannot emphasise this enough - take it away. you're not giving yourself a good deal with such self-deprecating pseduo-humour. and the reader would think that it's crappier than it already is.]

and those blog-skeptiks/unbelievers who have snide remarks for how blogging is SO out should just bite their tongues and die. i've said it many times and i'll say it again:
alienation.cryforhelp.kindredspirit.
add your own connectives and everything else
it might not be true but that's what i'm buying dammit
[didya know? e hdb block is the perfect icon for alienation.i'll do something with this idea.after the diagnosis]

i actually think "alienation" is hackneyed already.
reminds me of a song which goes something like
"i'm a brit in new york.i'm an alien"

very farcical.
i hate labels now. i will reject labels now.
two-timer drawn to tragedy. nazi. jew. democrat. asian. gay. different. creative. hippy. jane. conservative. straight. sensitive. jerk. black. snag. feminist. patriot. tom. white. e m p t y.

my old sub-shrink just finished her course in the university. so now i can call her dr. shrink. she's gonna be the oldest cow at the convocation
she has a hypothesis that the marginally crazy have lots of hate, the crazy own happiness, and the normal are deluded

i just want to listen to alot of pink floyd and mayday and jamrud. right now.
maybe i don't really have anything to say, but i'll just say this - my father bought a computer for home.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

smallville.

i have a nagging headache there is ringing in my ears i feel fat my face is too oily i'm too afraid to count my pimples i cant shit i've forgotten what it feels like to run the colour blue is strange to me now come crashing down come crashing down i miss your tapering fingers the clock struck twelve its time for me to go nowhere nohow on a zephyr i want an afro tweedledum tweedledoo i need cheap rhymes so blah blah boo spread kaya but dont spread sars haha whoo miss you want you want you miss you rainbow gangrene magnifico!

maybe i'm just going bad. that's it. someone keep me in a cool dry place

dumb-song-i-wanna-sing-in-the-middle-of-orchard-road-and-i-mean-orchard-ROAD :: will you still love me tomorrow :: the shirelles

Friday, June 20, 2003

music in my head :: good enough :: dodgy

"If it's good enough for you, it's good enough for me.
It's good enough for two, it's what I want to see."

anything else i want to say to you, it's all in these words.

oh yeah, and this song's from the movie "sliding doors"
the idea of the "life-changing second" is excessively haunting
that gp lesson reminds me of the original ao1d too.
i'd miss baba if i didn't talk to her so often

and to fulfil my bitch quota for today:
I GOT VEE-ED BY MINLI TODAY!!!
was supposed to meet her at nat lib BUT she called me to go lido
which was a no-go because i'd end up gawking at gorgeous people.
hmpf.
and i went to bencoolen mosque to pray but only to see that it had mutated into a behemoth of a construction site!!!and i didnt have enough time to go to, get this, masjid MAULANA at uobplaza.
so guess what.
i hopped onto a TRISHAW. yup! no need to pay erp!
the view was splendid and it was the first time i rode a non-car/bus/lorry/pickup/van in singapore.
until the uncle stopped for trishaw-logistics-problem. and right beside me was a bus filled with fellow teens peering at me.
i was mortified. and i never felt so probed and violated before.
at that very moment, i just hoped i'd get swallowed up by the ground after disintegrating first just so that nobody would have the chance to laugh at me
you know the feeling, like you want to stop existing.
urgh.
i didnt get to the mosque in time anyway. either because i was too heavy, or the uncle was past his prime.
i strongly vote for the latter.

MUSICbeen listening a lot while studying so i've lots to say about it

phwah! read life! and it reviewed metallica and jewel too. not bad not bad my accuracy not bad can b music critic.
and today, i shall talk about minimalism. kidding.

wanted to take the "What F.R.I.E.N.D. are you?" quiz after reading on jieming's blog.
bad it had a horrendously crappy question: What songs do you listen to?
and 2 of the 5 choices: 1]anything on radio 2]whatever. i don't care.
i mean, what a terribly crafted quiz!
so i refused to complete it. whoever made that quiz should kiss my ass!

i love a song "i will wait for you" from "the umbrellas of cherbourg" [i think].
not because of it, BUT because of the context
the theme of the song's been done to death [think dido's "here with me" and garbage's "milk"] BUT the song was used as a plot-twister
very sigh-inducing

if it takes forever,
i will wait for you.
for a thousand summers,
i will wait for you.
'till you're back beside me,
'till i'm holding you.
till i hear you sigh,
here in my arms.


i love watching chemistry!
admittedly, it's very frivolous but it just clicks. the show and i got...chemistry [harhar]
i love the line "what are we doing to each other"
i love the song by dreamz fm "should i stay or should i go"

Thursday, June 19, 2003

angry rock is the new gospel.
i mean an album called st. anger? SO bad.

i'm starting to think Jewel is being misunderstood because of Intuition. read the lyrics and realize that nothing could fit them better than a Spears-Aguilera sound

"I keep straining my ears to hear a sound.
Maybe someone is digging underground,
or have they given up and all gone home to bed,
thinking those who once existed must be dead."


from New York Mining Disaster 1941

this and that.
this or that?
this seems good but so does that.
i think i'll choose this.
or that.


i went to dunman high yesterday to pick up my o cert and the place was as putrid as ever
anyway, i was looking at my cert as my mum drove me home and i was suddenly flooded by this Overwhelming Desire to tear the cert up as a form of Token Resistance against The Paper Chase.
didn't happen because my mum was right beside me. and besides, i didn't have anywhere to throw it without being charged with littering.
reminds me of the time i managed to tear up the scholarship form because my friend was right beside me. and so was the dustbin

the idea of someone snatching me away from everything or just floating away in a giant bubble is becoming more and more appealing. maybe that explains my fascination with smallville apart from its gorgeous people and moving colours. somebody save me

just found out that my friend's grandfather just passed away. i don't think many people deal with death well. least of all, me. i'll most likely spend my entire life getting used to death

music in my head :: pelangi di mata :: jamrud

woohoo. just settled econs
why common test...why must study...i see friends skippity-doo-da-ing to happy places while i'm holed up at home. not good.
i feel like there's more s&m in my life these days than a hardcore porn scene between a jailer and a convict.
isn't it amazing how many countries these days have free will? new zealand and, ummm, timbuktu (which can't really be considered because it's only a city, leaving new zealand)(and new zealand has more sheep than people, which makes us question whether freedom is freedom when there's no one around to be free)
no free will.

gripe gripe gripe

well at least it rained on tuesday. it was as if all the hot was just the sky saving up for tuesday's dramatic performance

"Don't you hear the church bells tolling? Don't you hear the call from the minaret?"

"Oh, you only
think you'll be sinning, but this is something you'll never regret!"
from the book that isn't

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

oh yeah, wai hin's back.
can't hardly wait!
orchard's gonna b back to normalcy!

recently got to know the owner of a bookshop and he says he's read EVERY book in his shop.
if it's true (i'm not saying it's not, he's really old), what about other people?
does the satay man eat satay everyday?
has the pizza man tried every conceivable pizza topping?
what about the man who sells alarm clocks? does his heart leap in joy everytime he hears an alarm go off?

SARS is the virus
that i just want to minus.
so, no more surprises if you
use your brain,
USE YOUR BRAIN,
U S E Y O U R B R A I N!
can't SARS me, baby,
and i don't mean "maybe",
we must be steady so,
use your brain,
USE YOUR BRAIN,
U S E Y O U R B R A I N!


this is crazy now

music in my head :: chances are :: robert downey jr. + vonda shepard
Chances are you'll find me
Somewhere on your road tonight
Seems I always end up driving by
Ever since I've known you
It just seems you're on my way
All the rules of logic don't apply
I long to see you in the night
Be with you 'til morning light

Chances are I'll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer all I have
You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best, I've ever met


chancing upon this song again is fantastic. just like an old treasure trove of memories. i remember singing it to D. i'd be met with expressions of horror, as usual, but we knew what we meant. realized i still miss D even though D gave me the worst year of my life. because i barely survived D, all the memories from two years ago seem even more lucid now. happiness meant sitting at the back of the doubledeck to nowhere, it meant looking at D's fingers and so much more until the both of us went mad. still, in spite of the going mad, i miss D because we had so many things on our checklist. going to france, backpacking to europe, living in an apartment with four other crazy F.R.I.E.N.D.S and mini-things we said we'd do together. i tried to message D's old number but got no reply. hmmm.

all THAT from this song. anyone who reads this, tell me about the next time you stumble across an old song of yours.
when you look at the stars, do you wonder whether the sheep ate the rose just like we used to?

phark!
i thought i hated econs BUT after theory of costs, i realize i've only begun to HATE econs.
i love too many things too little and hate too little things too much.
i'm very disgruntled, to say the least, that i have to study during the holidays and i don't think i'm taking this too personally.
they'd really like to see me holidaying with the common tests nagging at the back of my head just like this dull pounding feeling i get from trying to know econs yes?
and having someone bug me to meet up with AND then bitch about me not caring when i say i need to study doesn't help. so up your's J!
someone just said we're only eighteen once. i agree, and we're gonna be eighteen once, fretting over the 'A's once, entering the army once, all at the freaking same one time! now how much more screwed up can THAT be? huh? huh? huh?
i think i'm growing too slowly but aging too soon
and victor, i hope you get your graphs in your head

a dream is the answer to a question we haven't learned yet how to ask
i dream of stabbing someone. something. i dream of going home to indonesia.

Monday, June 09, 2003

rah rah.

marched down to kino.
after training with a torn ligament (kind of).
bumped into yaokuan tzeyang and lijing (kind of).
bought the two most liberating graphic novels (kind of).

sound of colors and a chance of sunshine
are must reads!

[a quote from sound of colours:
we're extremely fortunate
not to know precisely
the kind of world we live in.

wislawa szymborska]

music in my head :: ghetto superstar :: mya

it's about me, it's never about me.
me.e.

i woke up at four
and went to the airport.
i hugged her and lingered around.
i minced my way out of the airport
and as i passed them by from outside the airport
levina marcus and joseph seemed alien.
on hindsight,
i remember consciously giving up my chance to be any part of her life.
just a flashing spark like in a tinder box.
so bye.


and as you soar on wings of dreams,
with this final wave, this final kiss,
remember, our hearts turned night to day,
their blinding light tattoed on my iris.

and as you land your feet on streams
of memories you said you'd always miss,
will you talk of spring or sing, like may,
the songs and colours of an iris?


AND then there is you.
are you silent
for you or for me?
me.e.

the time of your life

I'm Desire!
Desire is of medium height. It is unlikely that any portrait will ever do Desire justice, since to see her (or him) is to love him (or her) - passionately, painfully, to the exclusion of all else. Desire casts two shadows: one black and sharp-edged, the other translucent and forever wavering, like heat haze. Desire smiles in brief flashes, like sunlight glinting from a knife-edge. And there is much else that is knife-like about Desire.
Which Member of the Endless Are You?

Destruction, the sixth of The Endless, you are a rebel. You abandoned your realm, refusing to be held responsible for all the disasters in the world. You roam forever, trying to escape%
Destruction, the sixth of The Endless, you are a
rebel. You abandoned your realm, refusing to be
held responsible for all the disasters in the
world. You roam forever, trying to escape what
you are. Always on the run, and never facing
the truth, you live in denial. It's not your
responsibility, it's not your fault, and it's
not your problem, even when it is.


Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

ahhah! was right not to trust these things
quizzes schquizzes.

Saturday, June 07, 2003

music in my head :: brain damage :: pink floyd

The lunatic is on the grass
The lunatic is on the grass
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs
Got to keep the loonies on the path

The lunatic is in the hall
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon

The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon


I can't think of anything to say except...
I think it's marvellous! HaHaHa!