and should i put on a smile
when i could never?
or may i spill it all out
when i shouldn't?

when, eventually,
can this dream be me?
where could it be
this door i want to see
from the pain underneath this blue sky
of believing that everything's my lie

if you could, if you would,
just sing,
sing me a song of your sins.

it's on again, this search for absolutes
it's actually a revival of the last one
it's been a futile effort
i borrowed a watch on wednesday
and it had no lines, no numbers
very too stylized
what? now i can't even be sure of the time?
urgh.
i should turn into a p o c o c u r a n t e
so i don't have to hide behind what i want to be
so i can just be

i'm just a lost soul swimming in a fishbowl,
running over the same old ground,
finding the same old fears,
wishing you were here.

music in my head : wish you were here : pink floyd

oh and i do get to go for art lectures still

"Just as the pious man prays without speaking a word and the Almighty hearkens unto him,
so the artist with true feelings paints and the sensitive man understands and recognizes it."

Caspar David Friedrich

i like friedrich
i'm in the art room now and
julienne and gang are having art lecture
which i'm forbidden from attending anymore
absolutely
nasty.

music in my head . come undone. robbie williams
so unimpressed, but so in awe
such a saint, but such a whore
so self-aware, so full of shit
so indecisive, so adamant
i'm contemplating, thinking about thinking
it's overrated, just get another drink
and watch me come undone

the class has gone seriously delirious
all i remember from today
was being seriously bitchy with dharma manda julienne.

which reminds me that girls seemed to be all around me today.
tomorrow, tomorrow.
i should hang out more with tousif
he's genuinely pleasant

april, for me, is finally here.

you'd have heard by now, that april is the cruelest month, according to ts eliot.
last month i'd have thought of delight.
now, delirium rules the day

it's the heat, i guess
that got to my head

i vaguely recall walking toward buonavista with a friend last month,
surmising that everyone was suffering from the post-firsthreemonth syndrome
since everything was falling into dusty place, since bonds were forged and the two-year journey seemed tangible;
i vaguely recall gloating that i was immune,
since art had given me rejuvenation, a gust of novelty;
i vaguely recall sitting at my throne in the canteen
discussing the vicissitudes(or giddiness, for julienne) of april
and deciding to shut up about how beautiful april was for me.

so april came and went
and may took its rightful place.
art came and went too,
and econs took its place.

and the gust dwindled to a breeze,
the ravages of april catching up with me.
and the breeze gave way to still air
and summer arrived "in all its burnt glory (julienne)".

may brought retrospection,
of relationships past, and i'd reminisce about people i knew.
along with retrospection tagged its old friend, stagnation,
and relationships present were held in limbo.

the songs on radio have lost their enchantment
television shows have become black and white
nothing bad is happening though,
just non-events that teeter on the edge of unimportance
threatening to plunge into the sea of gravity.

so delight gave way to delirium,
for what else could you call happiness that isn't?

all this heat
getting to my head.

excerpt from adel's

den i remember the days when kaiyong would buy murtabak and prata and i would bring 1kg of iced longan to class and we would all hide near the good ol' rusty class cupboard pigging away and playing asshole daidee.....and of our fun filled recesses taunting zurong at A block from 4k and mousing away on lo mai gai and fan choy and siew mai and $2 worth of meegoreng everyone share.....or hiding in the CO room blow aircon during our self declared "free periods"..and mrs vora would so often ask "4k? have u all even finished ur first paragraph of ur essay?" and we would all bu4 yue1 er2 tong2 moan "nOoOoOoO..."

memories of how mr goh would threaten to write parents letter if we still refused to hand in our maths homework...and the day mrs phua walked in with her hair permed like maggi mee and told us it was all our fault for stressing her up....of me calling her a big atom (no thankz to von) and kaiyong throwing a pen cap at her.....

i think i remember being around when it all happened. how bizarre, the amount of sec4 memories begin with me walking through the back door of the K class. adel didn't mention that the $2 worth of meegoreng caused the handfootmouthdisease outbreak in 4k. precious memories made of such disastrous moments. i remember too, how i needed so much to find an old version of me. so thanks adel, for the refreshed memories, like capsules of the past. i might just find what i want to this month, considering the potentially-torturous lunchdate i committed myself to. come sunday, i'll ascertain whether or not some things are gone forever.

Raffles Institution


The School That Suited You Most!
brought to you by Quizilla

is it true?
i know i hated every moment of dunman high at least.
fuck dunman high.

knowing that the councillors are still stuck in school
i cannot seem to let myself sleep.
ivan, the boy who slept when his friends haven't showered for one day.
tomorrow tomorrow won't be that bad. i know it for a fact
i've told many people and i'll say it again

there are two people i have been talking about alot recently
haven't talked to them in ages but still,
i'd like to talk about them like they haven't changed since
the last time i knew them.
maybe it's because i refuse to believe they've moved on.
have they?
maybe, just maybe.

i've embarked on my search for definite black-or-white absolutes. if you spot one, please tell me.

tomorrow, tomorrow,
i love you tomorrow,
you're always a day away

i am a two-timer drawn to tragedy.

anyone has sandman books after Destruction quits his job?
sms me 96740625 to lend me please

-FOR HER-
how will i die if i fall into a bottomless pit?

i've just admitted that i miss you
i've just conceded to needing you
i still keep this steely veneer,
cruel facade
and so, you will never know how much you are
i cry for how we laugh
and cringe from this sea between us
and still, i will never tell you how much you are
oh well

i keep on falling
in and out of love with you
i've never loved someone
the way i love you
[or at least i think so]

oh well
i was forced to watch you
i really was today
i knew not to watch you
BUT i have always been weak
with every glance
a wince from a familiar longing
i'm still on the same train, still the same
couldn't come up with anything new
you
you
you
i still hate you

am numbed but still i bleed
-FOR HIM-

for posterity, here's a list of movies i've loved

fly me to polaris [xing yu xin yuan]
land before time
mighty morphin power rangers : the movie
children of heaven [iran]
like a flowing river [japan - e one i jux watched]
run lola run [german]
taxi [french or german? cant remember.they all sound alike to me]
ada apa dengan cinta [indonesian]
wizard of oz
grease [hated grease 2]
fame
devdas
chori chori chupke chupke
asoka
khabi khushi kabhie gham
mohabbatein
road [hindi too]
iron ladies [one and two!!!]
city of angels [sadsadsad]
spirited away
battle royale
austin powers [all of em!!!]
thirteen ghosts [or sth liddat.dun remember e title but like it cos of e person i watched it wif]
cruel intentions[cos of e movie n e person i watched it wif]
lotr!!!
asura

definitely, dere r sum floatin ard sumwhere between my gray matter
i'll add to e list when i chance upon em

people have started to comment on my stream of consciousness.
this is from my Page of Random Thoughts

>cross breast
>slimming sweet
>i really am in rj now. something that blindsighted me for 3 months
>i must know myself better
>i like what's bad for me
>i hate woman drivers
>i trap myself in vicious cycles of thought
>i'm old and dying
>the toughest people have weak days
>i torture myself
>come into the light
>will you come to join the dance?
>i am narrow-minded and vindictive
>i must protect myself from me

there's lots more where these came from
every thought has a story. ask me and i'll indulge [or traumatize you]
better still i'll show you the thought just like it looks on the Page

you make my day
you are subliminal
you are the forbidden fruit
and i am weak

that's what i'll call you
Pufferfish
you look like that anyway

for a while the past week
i'd sworn off technology.
BUT
i just come whimpering back

i treat the past foolishly

i chuck it around when i see it
and would give anything for it once i lose sight of it

"in the end, it is not the buildings which we will remember. it is the people who were with us."

what simple wisdom

the synapses in my head
too large for words
too real for pictures
too abstract for songs.

poof.
i'd make a list of every person i miss so tremendously.
BUT i will have to admit that i can't remember all of them because
i've completely lost sight.

if you're reading this
and you're thinking that i vaguely shadow what i'm supposed to be
help me
i need an old version of me
[to put in the closet of course]