Thursday, August 28, 2003

degeneration. hedonism. nonchalance.

in the words of jo eun, "one of those three words thing".

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

plastic time

i'm blogging on borrowed time here, my mum's laptop has 15 minutes left before death and that means 15 minutes before i get back down to work.

the past week has strangely been one of enlightenment.i learnt who i really hated [oh you of pseudo-emotion], i learnt who i really liked [oh you of ethereal nonchalance], i learnt how not to hear what i did not want to, i learnt not to give a damn about things i think are bullshit [supercilious slut], i learnt to see how families resemble each other in so many ways and more, i learnt to see that even beneath the hardest and roughest veneer there are marshmallows, i learnt what it meant to be an activist, i learnt that not all things are easily hated and forgotten, i learnt how not to be stressed, how not to stress others.

lessons learnt, lessons forgotten, i find myself learning the same old lessons.

music in my head :: black black heart :: david usher

Something ugly this way comes
Through my fingers sliding inside
All these blessings all these burns
I'm godless underneath your cover
Search for pleasure search for pain
In this world now I am undying
I unfurl my flag my nation helpless

Black black heart why would you offer more
Why would you make it easier on me to satisfy
I'm on fire I'm rotting to the core
I'm eating all your kings and queens
All your sex and your diamonds

As I begin to lose my grip
On these realities your sending
Taste your mind and taste your sex
I'm naked underneath your cover
Covers lie and we will bend and borrow
With the coming sign
The tide will take the sea will rise and time will rape

Thursday, August 21, 2003

it's been almost a year. i think i'm allowed some indulgence
you swept me off my feet,
and left me in a million pieces.
but, in the wide white sea of pleats,
your's is still the most beautiful to me.

i'd like to end the masquerade
and escape to fairytale dreams.
i'd like to float away from the crazy everything,
the exhaustion and the baseless tears.
but, you found me,
and i found myself weighted.

it takes alot to hold on,
and it's harder to let go.
i'm not sure whether i did in the end,
and i've forgotten whether there was anything to let go of.

i've been very good, really.
i haven't thought about you [much],
and i don't try to talk to you even.
you're a dazzling rainbow of dreams,
untouchable by everything,
save the wind.

i just want a taste of this sweet heaven.
people come and people go,
mere shadows.
but you, are scorched on my life.
a brand i can never remove.

maybe i could,
and after a hundred years,
even if people know that i existed,
they'd never know that i am only a drop in your ocean.

we'd only just began,
yet our next day seemed too far away.
when you finally find me again,
i'd have been burnt by the moonlight.

i could lose heed of my restrictions,
in search of sanity and life again.
but i'd rather wait for your return,
even if it was staged.

how did you
make me go crazy over you
make me surrender myself to you
make me cross the stream?
i'll never know.

how does one answer one's own questions?
how does one decide where to go?
the emptiness of night is insatiable,
and behind every door is a new passageway.

so if you find you've left something behind
in me,
i'll be in the same dusty corner,
because loving you [who'll never return]
entails not discarding anything of you.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

In the absence of security I made my way into the night
Stupid Cupid keeps on calling me but I see nothing in his eyes

But if you're looking for fastlove
If that's love in your eyes
It's more than enough
Had some bad luck
So fastlove is all that I've got on my mind

music in my head :: fast love :: george michael
music in my head :: beautiful stranger :: madonna

i looked into your eyes
and my world came tumbling down
you're the devil in disguise
that's why i'm singing this song

i looked into your face
my heart was dancing all over the place
i'd like to change my point of view
if i could just forget about you

i eschew my art and my writings.

ada yang lain
disenyummu
yang membuat lidahku
gugup tak bergerak
ada pelangi
di bola matamu
dan memaksa diri
tuk bilang
"aku sayang padamu"

irama dalam kepalaku :: pelangi di matamu :: jamrud

Sunday, August 10, 2003

play attention

-not an autobiography-
and when i'm hanging over the edge of my balcony,
will you hold on to me
or will you join me?
what would you do?
and if i was walking alone on the road of muted streetlamps,
will your fingers be meshed with mine
or will you piggyback me?
what would you do?
what COULD you do?
all you need to do is pray for me.
i never wanted you to tell me what i can be
and i never ever want to be an old retiree.
just pray very hard for me,
pray that all that is festering and writhing within will not fester and writhe without.
just pray for me,
will you?

mayday.august 16.the end of a long long wait!

it is all possible yet,inplausible

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

i am on what joeun would call anti-depressants its nothing to hide and its nothing overly important.i guess this isnt the best way to be frank but i think its better than saying it in the middle of the canteen.nobody has to hold secret discussions about this its nothing overly important.i'm not crazy,or anything.seriously!

Sunday, August 03, 2003

hanya sesuatu yang tidak mungkin kembali,
hanya sesuatu yang tidak akan terjadi.


another nice film: salaam cinema
i'm remembering the episode of allymcbeal when billy died

"faded pictures of my childhood
just thought i'd take one more look
and recall when we were all
in the neighbourhood"
music in my head :: neighbourhood :: vonda shepard

Saturday, August 02, 2003

jack of all trades, master of none

one week makes a world of a difference.i was sitting in LT1 yesterday, and it was filled with spasming people.and all their laughter suddenly turned to deafening silence in my head, there was a nothing that drowned them out.how many of them heard that nothing, i wondered.i guess those that are defined by their absence will always be just that --- absent.

everyone i look at looks like you.from the ugliest lady to the youngest boy.this just brings a whole new level to me saying "you are everything to me".

music in my head :: sar-vivor rap :: uncle phua