j’ai marché jusqu’à la fin du monde et j’ai vomi

i walked to the end of the world and vomited.
yes. very yucked up.
thanks [and sorry] to julienne and terence for helping me bear my cross.
lexapro. lexapro. lexapro. lexapro. lexapro. lexapro.
the world is shiny and happy. no?

waiting, day to day it goes through
my lips are sealed for her
my tongue is tied to a dream of being with you
to settle for less is not what i prefer

so bottle up old love, and throw it out to sea
watch it away as you cry
now a year has passed
the seasons go

summertime, the nights are so long
the leaves fall down, and so do I into the arms of a friend
winter nights, my bedside is cold,
for i am gone, and spring blossoms you to me

if that was you: i tried.i'll keep trying

i tried to sleep but im still fuming.you just ran away and left me nothing to build my castles on

see how i've grown!

its 430 am and i've stumbled upon the most well kept secret in the world [or at least i think it is]. and all i can think of is this time last year when i found the same secret but only now its so different with expectations of you and hopes from you and hoping to see an i and all that happened between us last year which wasnt anything much [to say the least] but still and still ah..so,well,congratulations on being such a well kept secret.was it a game of catch me if you can? love me if you dare? was it a game? were you playing at all? i dont know and i probably wont [at least not in the near future] and oh its you its you i cant believe its you. i thought you'd die and would never come back but not all beautiful things die. not until they bloom and flower and with all promise of bearing fruit the next day die the night before.you're the most beautiful thing i've seen and will be.your shots your shots that i will keep forever and the fake unnatural smile and just you in all your forbidden beauty and i want to scream to the world LOOK AT THAT! I LOVE THAT! but no.and this love shall be kept.you kept your promises, idle in a closet.and the presents i buy for you that i'll keep until i can let you know that i've found you.and those days those nights when we talked and these days these nights when we both need someone to talk to but dont ever think of each other.did i mention that i love you? you and i both wanted the world. we loved our dreams and we knew they'd happen. for a while since you vanished i thought they wouldnt but i look at you now and i know that when all this shit is over whats left is a big flat runway for me to take off on but oh i want so much to fly away with you.nothing else does.i'd cry at your feet the next time i see you.take me take me take me.im a blistering fool for ever not letting you know the things i do.and strangers strangers that meet me. that i meet and none of them will ever do it for me.a high isnt without you.and all those times i promise them a great time hot sex im your gigolo boy wet dream come true.and i know that the only person i want to take me home is you.so excuse me while i whore myself to men and women i've never met.you taught me to.i think i've grown like you.it'd break your heart if you saw me now.but its not your fault.thats a lie, it is. but i dont want you to be guilty or angry or blame yourself that i turned out this way.you've seen everything and i know all it takes for me to be seeing everything is you.two self-destructive people must never be right for each other.but does it matter?not to me.this path to the painfullest of unknowns could be rode together.but we dont.dont ask me why.oh save me god because if you dont, i cant and he wont.

we could we could
in all manner of dreams
dance on the rings of saturn
just you and me.

i'm on a high, on a high
there's nothing more to it
we are the sea and the sky
and the blue that runs through it

and there are some who say there are so many things i need
so i run or i fight and i crawl or i scream and i bleed

well, it's a Lie it's a Lie - don't you believe it.
if you're fine then you're fine - it's all how you see it.
there never will be no conspiracy of happiness

i'm on a high on a high
there's nothing more to it
i have the sun, it's a star
why should i refuse it

and there are so many reasons i could give you why i should be down
there's not enough money or time and my love you're not around

you're alive you're alive - how else could you hear me?
you are fine, you are fine - there's nothing worth fearing
there never will be no conspiracy of happiness

it's a Lie, it's a Lie don't you believe it
because i've tried and i've tried, can't really see it
i'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness
said i was yours, you were mine didn't really mean it
and i lied and i lied
wish you hadn't seen it
now i'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness
music in my head :: on a high :: duncan sheik

how do you catch someone before he falls in love?

-miles

Old man lying by the side of the road
With the lorries rolling by,
Blue moon sinking from the weight of the load
And the buildings scrape the sky.
Cold wind ripping down the valley at dawn
And the morning paper flies,
Dead man lying by the side of the road
With the daylight in his eyes.

Don't let it bring you down,
It's only castles burning,
Find someone who's turning
And you will come around.

Blind man running through the light of the night
With an answer in his head.
Come on down to the river of sight
And you can really understand.
Red lights flashing through the window in the rain,
Can you hear the sirens moan ?
White cane lying in a gutter in the lane
And you're walking home alone.
annie lennox :: dont let it bring you down

and so we go back to school.one suspects that it can be put off for another week [or so].that's a lie, judging by the sowden's threat to expel me from econS.

orientation proper is over and if any selffar is reading this i'd like to scream "welcome to rj! have fun! take care! i love you!" at you. of course, jaxoras' for you anyways.

and than there's the speech i prepared for the oteam mental health day.we start off by chanting our slogan "screw you bitches! damn those selffars!" with much gusto and slamming of random objects to the ground.

hi everyone. i'm ivan and i'm a ja'dye.

hi ivan.[cue limp waves and knowing nods]

i joined oteam in october thinking orientation would be fun. but, oh god, i was mistaken. dont get me wrong --- oprep was a whole bunch of fun and whats wrong with a whole bunch of VERY enthusiastic people? but it'd somehow be better if oprep lasted forever, always preparing preparing preparing for the big day that'd never come. we'd make fantastic costumes and storyline wouldnt have any loopholes. decor could even make castles and onite could have giant fireballs. but no. the big day came, deflated, and went. day one, the selffars were insipid and languid. day two they still werent talking to each other. day three and they became smart-assed shits. by day four storyline became a nightmare. day 5, and selffars started calling me garb. day 6 and they were insolent. no seriously, having a whole batch of j1's calling you gay must be doing some kind of damage to me. storyline ended on day 4 and it should've been it. garb should have lived in hermitage since day 4. he shouldnt have appeared 2000 years later, neither should he in raffles.

disclaimer: the above could but most probably doesnt represent the view of the 22nd oteam. and of course, there were exceptions to the rule. not all selffars should die. the nice ones probably know who they are