oh no, i've said too much

it's too late to read this now. if you already have read this, then too bad if you wanted nothing to do with it

in my place

somewhere in between the prelims and my night relationships lay the forgotten fact that someone i knew - and loved - was dying of cancer. now she is dead and all i am left with is an "oh" and faded memories that can never be refreshed with hugs and laughs. nothing more than this to put me in my place

apa yang aku patut berkata, kak nur? ya kak nur, ada apa yang aku boleh berkata? ivan ingin mohon maaf, atas semua kesilapan ivan, dan ivan berterimakasih atas semua yang kak nur pernah buat untuk ivan. cuma ini saja.

jiwang: sedih dan sepi

bagaimana caranya untuk
agar kau mengerti bahwa
aku rindu

bagaimana caranya untuk
agar kau mengerti bahwa
aku cinta

cintaku sedalam samudra
setinggi langit diangkasa
kepadamu

cintaku sebesar dunia
seluas jagad raya ini
kepadamu

ennui with a b/ ketidakperdulian

recidivism. treading-my-circle-swimming-in-a-fishbowl. being unable to choose. blah blah blah all my sickening good friends i will hold till i die. sex and drugs and blood. and then more sex and drugs and blood. and oh no. and oh no. and god. and my god. hum hum hum pfaH. and you you you. hum hum hum pfAH

i wish i had been born a girl instead of this mess of a man

ketidakperdulian

how about really soon?

stale breeze of an underground life,
steel walls collapsing on those whom they hide,
still denizens of the underground night.

to be in between everywhere, to be nowhere.
to be almost everybody, to be nobody.
to be wanting everything, to never be satisfied.

breathe in -
behind closed doors -
draw it across -
against strong walls -
and wait -
in the underground -
for something -
anything -
to
stir

maybe i'm not ready for this, and you know it.
maybe i'm too scared to tell you what I'm really thinking.
it's not fair to stay together because of regrets we might have.
i don't want to fall asleep alone, but do i want to wake up with you?
i'm only trying to be completely honest.

there i am standing all alone on sydney harbour bridge,
and you know i would jump into the fucking ocean
if it meant i was truly capable of being satisfied.
will i ever be?
did i just give up the best thing i ever had?

sometimes, like now, i think of things i can only understand as the most intense nothing, maybe like Donne. questions and answers to questions riddled with even more questions. such incoherence can only amount to nothing, yet all this must mean something.

i hope you'd see me,/ i hope you'd understand/ my cruel ambitions/ hardly justified

inertia and immolation [was it plath who stuck herself into a fireplace?]. what will you do tomorrow or what wont you? you could never be happy with me because i would never tell you everything and i will never be happy with you because i dont know what i want. this is so Hours, this is so me-treading-my-circle. spiralling again.

all this is so tasteless and bland it's disgusting

what have i lost tonight and what have i gained? i have lost and gained the same thing, only in different ways, and i do not know whether i have lost or gained more. Te-Rri-Fy-Ing

the long and short of

how many ways are there to spell Longing?

the atlantic was born today and i'll tell you how:
the clouds above opened up and let it out.

one, for when im right beside you but dare not touch you because we're not alone.

i was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
when the water filled every hole.
and thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
making islands where no island should go.
oh no.

two, for when we say goodbye and all i really want is to be home with you.

those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
i thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
the rhythm of my footsteps crossing flood lands
to your door have been silenced forever more.
the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row,
it seems further than ever before.
oh no.

three, for when im home waiting for your first message saying maybe i shouldnt have went home.

i need you so much closer,
i need you so much closer.

four, for when im waiting to hear from you every second i dont see you. five, for when i know we meet the next day. six, for when im just watching the corridors for you. seven, for when it starts all over again.

transatlanticism - death cab for cutie

my mind will fold into itself, like fields, like snow

it was entirely heartbreaking today. tonight was very comforting

treading the line between near and far

tonight. each not entirely sure what the other wants

october babies' party

except in a different year

the ark

the animals walked in two by two,
hurrah hurrah!

each one a partner fair and true,
a future not too far.

a picture of hope and branching trees
amidst the boundless seas.

all hastening towards their destinies
and seamless eternities.

and envy. there i watched the ark.