it cannot be that i orbit around stylised melancholic tragedy. certainly i have more than all those poetic rock wails my brain entertains me with. all the frivolity and fluffiness must account for something right? and yet theres a certain compelling sense of responsibility towards all the gravitous matters that nag and gnaw at me to devote more of my attention to them. what if i left them alone, and they go to find new friends? i'd be responsible for the misery of others and we dont want that do we? so now i grind my knife on the sharpening stone. one day i'll find time to ambush them, stab them, bury them and everyone would be none the wiser. the easier way out would be to spit at them, so they go harass others, and i might want that. Mr Shrink, is it safe to assume i now know more than you?

And I know I'm just here to amuse you
And I don't mean to confuse you
But if I could just use you one more time

Tell me what it's like to be the house on the hill
The number one diet pill
And tell me what it's like to be the one and only
All American Girl

Now I bet you won't say you get crazy
Or that you don't shave your legs
When you're lazy
Or that you're just like everybody else in the world
You just got lucky, that's all
music in my head :: all american girl :: train

when there's nothing in the present that i dont want to scream at, and when my motto says not to scream, i start looking for times when i wanted to shut up for the rest of eternity. the playground where Lips and i used to hang out, where we scratched our names on the yellow plastic tictactoe board. we'd go on all the rides at the theme park, but when it came to the viking, we'd grab each other and scream the hell out, before finding a quiet corner to nurse our tummies. those illicit times together, when we thought we could hide from god. lips fingers eyelashes and the way Lips walked. raihan thought i was childish to remember all this. i prolly am, but it was such a sight. those moments when your heart would well up, stretching like a balloon, you'd feel your heart taking over even your toenails; your heart would feel like exploding, you'd want to swallow all the beauty into your heart. and all those moments and all these moments. its a slippery slope. its very tempting to walk over to the playground and see if our names are still together. i tried calling Lips' old number two weeks ago. but i should stop all this, holy month holy me. i already feel silly for the motto

susie: didnt you hear the bell? recess is over. its time to go in.
calvin: i'm not done yet. it takes me more than one recess to wear myself into a state of submission

music in my head :: brimful of asha :: cornershop

! SAT! if you havent thought about it, dont worry. get the princeton review. studying was never so much fun!

i reckon i'm on my own robin hood trail.i probably will die because of this, which is just too bad.it'd be good if i died, say, in sec2. i wouldnt have felt like i missed anything, i'd have died in my cocoon.but everythings gone too far now, and everythings got to hurtle towards the end from here. this is the price we pay for spreading our wings. we must live forever now, anything less than that wont do.

i'm glad tv had american beauty recently. i watched it before time, in sec2, and felt nothing, save janie's breasts. and now i watch it again, and laugh at my sec2 days. then, i didnt understand the father's release. the mother's self-reproaching.janie's rescue by ray.ray's obsessions. colonel's fitz's repression. angela's fears.and the mother, the mother.its clearer now, and i even want to lay my hands on the soundtrack. if you havent already, watch the movie, buy the soundtrack.

julienne told me school's gonna close down the art programme. i guess i'd have alot to say before. not anymore.probably the only way i think about this entire thing is having a cavity in the new school building, and everything around it collapsing into the void. then mr liew would have a yellow headband tied around his head, brandishing a yellow flag and yelling into a loudhailer.he'd climb onto the mound of rubble beside the spanking new building, and dramatically stick the flag into the rubble.

heads up!
heads up!
the tide is high
and the time is nigh!
go forward we must!
progress or bust!

music in my head :: tanya chua :: yellow

this year, i'll go for tarawih more often. once every two days. i'll really make sure not to scream at people. and clean up my language. my motto shall be "holy month, holy me". preparation starts today.

i saw you in florence. do you really look like how michelangelo think you do?.whats this whats this?now.

calvin: if heaven is good, and if i like to be bad, how am i supposed to be happy there?

hobbes: how will you get to heaven if you like to be bad?

calvin: let's say i didnt do what i wanted to do. suppose i led a blameless life! suppose i denied my true dark nature!

hobbes: i'm not sure i have that much imagination.

calvin: maybe heaven is a place where you're allowed to be bad!

open house was something to be remembered, not because of what it was, but rather a matter of when. tuesday was spent in the indoor gym, very surreal: we were playing touch in the middle, dawn and julienne were having a post-lunch nap on our left, people were playing badminton on the right, perfect ten was blasting from the radio. rewind one week, and we'd just finished The History Paper. and then yesterday, while watching medfac girls shaking their booties, the collective youth overwhelmed me, impressing that this was our time --- i had to rush around between cheerleading and malaydance; the Oldest Auntie from China was still at her usual seat, smiling at me while i rushed past, asking me "jin bo eng ah?". [i like this auntie the most. she gave me a banana and a chocolate bar, which i gobbled, no matter how "out of place" and unappetising the girls thought it was. and then while dancing on the giant map in concourse i was tempted to mark out the dark dingy spot where the aunties and uncles hung out]. so openhouse wasnt ALL that bad an experience. of course, the hair didnt help much.

So tell me what ya gonna do
When there aint no where to run
When judgement comes for you
So tell me what ya gonna do
When there aint no where to hide
When judgement comes for you
cause its gonna come.

See you at the crossroads.

music in my head :: crossroads :: bone thugs and harmony

this day has been a year in the making. it was the beginning of the end one year ago. and it was an end marked indelibly with what i always end things with. everything gravitated towards that letter that went into the old letterbox in siglap. i left an open end with Sleep!. and it seems that its now closed by the looks of it. it doesnt mean anything really, just that i'm now the only reason why i'm still treading the same circles. no more just in cases. its incredible to find that hating Sleep! hasnt made me less loyal with my routine of treading this circle

probably the only thing that keeps me taut now is being a muslim. ahmad and i agreed on it. i could have been on top of everything

I lay dying
And now I'm pouring
Crimson regret and betrayal

I'm dying praying bleeding screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost
My God My Tourniquet
Return to me salvation

Do you remember me
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side
Will you forgive me

My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied Christ [haha a little contention here.but i'll just leave it]
Tourniquet My suicide
evanescence :: tourniquet

i first saw this song on dalglish's blog. i believe people have a right to the songs that they first heard. so if you're listening to swing swing by all-american rejects, please dont listen to f4 after that, because it's julienne's. red hot chilli peppers sang give it away now because they felt they had a part to play. i like coldplay's in my place too. trapped is an indie band and their first single is headstrong. before paula abdul gained fame in american idol she sang straight up.the local zircon government pornstar has a nice sang called drop the attitude.and before kylie minogue was sexy, she sang i should be so lucky. and when we were in primary school a local one-hit wonder ger sang my special angel

barenaked ladies :: it's all been done
dashboard confessional :: hands down
iron maiden :: can i play with madness
michael brandmeier :: maybe this time
robbie robertson :: hold back the dawn
suede :: still life
supergrass :: alright

the idea of dancing on a volcano is seductive. we'd have so much fun. we shant care about how everything's gonna blow up from under us. i havent fully convinced myself i shouldnt be at the party now. i could dress cab there and then arrive fashionably late. dirty dancing anyone?

Silent Eyes torments me

all this captions from my sketchbook. i cant scan

take a bite of this heaven.

sweet my love,
i'll put your picture in my heart.
and here, all i may forget,
is your picnic hat.

where is spottiswoode?
who are the joneses?

how terrible it'd be to dream the perfect dream and having to remind yourself its only a dream

take me by the hand, take me somewhere new, i dont know who you are but i'm with you

mbak, kau kok nggak punya ide sih

urgh. its the second night since promos ended and im still at home. not good. tomorrow's alex's party. and im not going. sometimes i doubt god halfway through praying.and then i justify god before i finish. alex's party. should i be godless? ahah.

what i actually heard while studying
3 doors down :: here without you
bon jovi :: blaze of glory
coco lee :: colours of the world
corona :: listen to the rhythm of the night
crash test dummies :: mmm mmm mmm mmm
creed :: 6 feet from the edge
falco :: rock me amadeus
fleetwood mac :: dreams
george harrison :: got my mind set on you
girls aloud :: life got cold
grand theft audio :: avarice
green day :: good riddance
irene cara :: fame
james brown :: play that funky music
jason mraz :: the remedy
jason mraz :: you and i both
jewel :: stand
jikustik :: sktd
madonna :: hollywood
matchbox 20 :: unwell
michelle branch :: everywhere
neo :: borju
pearl jam :: last kiss
planet funk :: who said
pm dawn :: set adrift on memory bliss
project pop :: dangdut is the music of my country
queen :: another one bites the dust
red hot chilli peppers :: cant stop
rita sugiarto :: orang asing
simple plan :: perfect
starship :: we built this city
stereophonics :: maybe tomorrow
sum 41 :: over my head
tafkap :: betcha bye golly wow
the cardigans :: love fool
vertical horizon :: i'm still here
verve pipe :: the freshmen
zero hour :: the towers of avarice

paul, jimmy, jeanne, shirin, charmain, kimberly: quite glad that y'all think so highly of me to ask me qustions. but i'm not really quite sure. i still grumble about going to the wrong school [two hours to and fro!]. so this is probably the best advice i can give - just pick the one that sounds best. and even if it doesnt turn out fine, you'll find a way to justify your decision. i did

my justifications: Silent Eyes, Picnic Girl, Braces, Tummy Mouse, Dying Man. five perfect reasons to go to rj!

jason told our class that he'd meet us on the other side, and i guess this is it. im not gonna say i never saw this coming - i always did. and so this is it, this other side, its just like how i imagined it to be: i ran home after math, ate icecream on the way, bathed, met matthias in town, came home and online. it had all come down to tuesday night, lying on the couch, drifting in and out of sleep, trying to recall 100flowers, rolling history into a too-heavy ball that was heavy to the taste - a little on the chunky side. and then there was wednesday morning with terence in the library, the promise that we'd run out of there at 1230, and 1230 never seemed to come, and the promos just amalgamated into one big masturbatory/vomity experience, building up, building up towards the orgasm, the climax that would be handing in those nasty three-hour-four-essays. and once we'd handed them in, we both could smile in post-orgasmic bliss, terence more than me, since i pretty much screwed history. ah yes and then there were those teachers. the irresponsible lit teacher whose unsavoury name i shall not deign to mention, who lost my essay and offered me last minute [the morning of the paper] pointers. and those teachers in walking up and down the aisles, demanding our attention with their cologne, perfume, heeled feet and fat behinds in tight trousers, as if their noble mission were more grave than the one we had at hand. when they gave out the question papers, they'd look into our eyes and smile. comfort or apology? i felt like a circus animal, my trusted trainer forcing me to ludicrous stunts. do they ever feel guilty they're part of the circus? or do they actually like playing along? and now everything seeps out through my pores of course, i ooze literature and history facts by the gallons such that by tomorrow, it'd be like promos never happened. hah, who am i kidding. ah well, good riddance, no more wondering about how the boy six rows away is racking his brain and how the girl two rows away isnt. this is the other side after all

travis!
re-offender!

what is your lie?
do you add up the numbers on carplates?
do you listen to everything obscure?
are you occupied with sex and death?
are you obsessed with being correct?
looking for somone to blame?
looking for the tourniquet on my head
double-guessing for too many days
shwoop shwoop shwoop shwoop
i could almost cut your face
what is your lie?
oh wait, not today.

duran duran :: come undone
third eye blind :: semi-charmed life
hillary duff :: so yesterday
mayday :: lian ren
you hong ming :: di xia tie
the ordinary people :: you're not alone
vertical horizon :: best i ever had
eason chan :: ni de bei bao
urban xchange :: bacalah
padi :: maha dewi

they all came from the greengrocer's
"paper bag them!", she said
and he did.

"i was never far more certain how far away i was from my goal than when i was right beside it." vincent :: gattaca

::good weather for airstrikes::
i slide myself forward through my head
i think halfway backwards
see myself sing the anthem that we wrote together
we had a dream
we had everything
we rode to the end of the world
we rode searching
climbed skyscrapers that later exploded
the peace was out
i leak balance
fall down
i slide myself forward through my head
i always come back to the same place
total silence
no answer
but the best thing god has created
is a new day
sigur ros :: vidrar vel til loftarasa