spread

"you're the only one in class with questionable morals!"
vania, with ultimate conviction, when trying to pay me to do her math assignment.

i'd do something about them if i werent spread so thin, or spread-eagled to the mercy of others' fucks

and then, fatalism can only go so far

you can have the best of me
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we cant give up
we're not ready to give up
we got older but we're still young
we never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up
music in my head :: best of me :: starting line

sunscreen

the answer to my j1-j2 question that has blindsighted me struck when i was doing pc on friday afternoon. we've had our times and they'll have theirs.there is no shame in getting off on their youth.there is no need to look good in front of them.it is all right to be jealous of them.fuck yea lit does stimulate synapses in your mind.

we all began with good intent
when love was raw and young
we believed that we could change ourselves
the past could be undone
but we carry on our backs the burden.
time always reveals
in the lonely light of morning
in the wound that would not heal
it's the bitter taste of losing everything
i've held so dear.

though i've tried, i've fallen
i have sunk so low
i messed up
better I should know
so don't come round here
and tell me I told you so

and so it was

and so it was that we lost dramafeste for the third year running. and it isnt that medfac isnt deserving. i liked it because it was exactly the questions i had when therapy started in sec3. what if she's a smart bitch? what if she scolds me? god no! why should i tell her?! she's judging me now! i can see it in her eyes! dont judge me! she didnt, and we became friends [i think],which defeats the entire purpose, since doctors arent supposed to be friends [imagine a medfac friend checking your dick fifteen years down the road] especially therapists since they're supposed to be uninvolved objective strangers. i asked her once how she does it and she replied, with a twinkle in her eye [the bitch], "its a trade secret". and then i asked her how she handled everybody's stories and whether she finds herself caught up in our secret stories. calmly, she pointed towards the cabinet and said, "you see, i take notes and put everything in your files". and that is how she deals with stories. maybe that is why we've had to do filing since primary school. it actually IS a very important lifeskill

music in my head :: maybe tomorrow :: stereophonics

on top of a capitulating mind
[always unsaid] : always lonely at night,
on the verge, the edge,
the brink of day.
always midnight,
never the month of may.

of disbelief and will-not-believe,
of maybe-lies and perhaps-lies
that i conceive.

with dreams that stretch, reach and seek for you
a mind that buckles under what you say [and do].
a tightening chest pressed under thoughts of you
your mistakes that i make, your holes which i fall into

day after day after day

my mother said

my mother said yesterday morning, "you look sleepy and tired. go ask for mc want or not?"
i was tempted to laugh in her face and say "i'm sleepy and tired everyday." but since i was counting on a lift to school i kept my mouth shut.

are you still

"are you still wallowing in self-pity?"
junxiong asked me on friday afternoon. i didnt consider myself to be, but i must've been: i spent a good part of the afternoon cooped up in the art room.the collective j1 energy was too much for some one like me.it was too strong however, as the most self-gratuitous j1 couple actually called me up and tracked me down in the art room to give me a valentine's which [i assumed] was made together laughing and looking into each other's eyes.i ate all my chocolates after that.

spite vol.1

for the rest of the afternoon pj ivan crashed so i tried to play the good host, losing my handphone and his watch in the process. he spent the later part of the afternoon looking for it [someone found them] but i spent that time parading him around just to spite someone else. one thing about trying to spite someone: you could go to all lengths in the world and yet you might never get the time of day.

spite vol.2 [last night was]

last night was easily the most loveless valentine's i had in years. met felicia for the double with a couple called see leng [or si leng or something.a non-descript chinese name for a non-descript chinese girl] and justin, who was quite interesting and certainly deserves better than whatshername. i kept trying to cook up a story in my mind titled "Why I Am Here" but it went nowhere. maybe we were just four lonely people trying to piece together a decent excuse for a date but ending up with far more pain and irritation than we had asked for. we split ways after the apologetic tiramisu, so representative of my apologetic night, and told felicia i wanted to go home so i cabbed home with a free dinner in my tummy and forty bucks in my pocket

in comparison

in comparison, valentine's eve was alot more fun! hung out with obs people and camped at ivan's house with ahmad. yay! i should probably spend less nights alone i could be a better person.then again, maybe i wont.

i'm finding my way back to sanity again
though I don't really know what i'm gonna do when I get there
take a breath and hold on tight
spin around one more time
and gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace

i am hanging on every word you say
and even if you dont wanna speak tonight
thats alright, alright with me
i want nothing more than to sit outside heaven's door
and listen to you breathing is where I want to be

movie to watch : the dreamers

music in my head :: silence is easy :: starsailor

yesterday was such a good day that i left school at night hoping i wouldnt find any dead bodies at home.

there is possible fun and probable pain!

Everybody says that I'm looking for a home now
Looking for a boy or I'm looking for a girl now
But I can still let it go
I can still learn to grow
Into a child again

my mind entertains me with fanciful thoughts of not! doing! this! god! damned! econs! s! essay! then maybe i'd get kicked out and i wouldnt have to choose whether i want to drop out!i cant see a future in econs s if i have to procrastinate every essay to the night before i absolutely have to hand it up. im not excited.

we were merely freshmen

many months ago on a friday, many people in school were heartbroken. around school now, i watch j1's [like i always do.i remember their names and faces and i look out for them] and its apparent that life for them is nice and pretty. they talk of electing food-reps [hah!] and they busy their minds with who's buying what for lectures. many times i feel like going over [to whom i do not know.like an incarnation of the j1 people] and knocking some well needed long overdue shit into their minds. jealous? maybe. bitch? you betcha nuts. and then i am reminded of how we used to have a food-locker. and then i am also reminded of how everything was so new and exhilarating when we were in their places. and i also realise that i do not want to and cannot spoil what everyone should rightfully enjoy - a weightless First Three Months. the heartbreak[s] that we've had should never be told to them.

a newer primitive way of good-music-listening: recording radio songs on tape.

unriven.

music in my head :: the freshmen :: verve pipe

WHAT could be better than listening to jason mraz's you and i both? listening to jason mraz's you and i both LIVE! ah yes yes yes wow wow wow yay.maybe if i died now. but yay!reminds me of the time i went with shawn to robertson quay and they had like REALLY good music in the restaurant.i love live music.yay!good good everything's good[except for three idle essay questions and a capitulating mind]

and the art programme's being closed down.i wasnt very pleased when i found out.i reeks of a typical american high school movie: shiny happy people in the beginning - crisis - people start disappearing - sad scenes with lonely people - good thing happens - survivors gather to reminisce of the innocent days.shiny happy people in the beginning: we were really enthused about art there were like eight of us and art history lectures were in the yayfully out of place conference room. crisis: can i be important enough to say it started with me? anyway, systems worked against art students.in my case it was the scholarpeoples and for sya and shaun it was the school itself. people start disappearing: sya shaun and me and there were two other people rite? forgot their names. sad scenes with lonely people: imagination! and for the rest we're still waiting for the final movement. based on current expectations: wont happen.

i started working in the art room again.skipped econs [yay!]and went to the art room to write something [dont let you see] took photos that i always wanted to take and found lyrics to that penny tai song jo eun was screaming at julienne for doing lousy maths nicole and Olivia walked in and out again."ten more months," i said, "and we can also be like them." and julienne-correct-tan observed, "ya but ten months later we wont have this studio to come back to" and i think she also said something like we wont have any juniors blah. which is true. yea and friday evening went back to do [surprise surprise] econs s essay but comp was occupied by face-with-no-name j3 [which only adds to the charm of the room right?]. so julienne and i hung out at the balcony. the balcony that we had such great plans for last year - nice blinds, nice couch, nice fan, nice coffe table. wont happen.and we wielded The J2 Binoculars to spy on j1's. unethical? so what? fun? you have no idea. there was the heartbroken-running-man, the fitter-than-thou duo, the posing girls, jumping pe boys, lousy soccer boys and girl-who-dug-nose-when-she-thought-no-one-was-watching-and-cleaned-it-on-the-wall-but-ahah-the-all-seeing-j2's-with-binoculars-saw-everything-from-the-balcony. and dropping bomb bags with mystical objects on unsuspecting victims expecting a big explosion which turned out to be a really pathetic pop

and then there are three idle essay questions demanding explanations from me with accusing stares

launch.com! windows media guide! streaming music! take that! underground rockers activists!

listen! to!
ger's a chance with you
dunno who's suga suga
jason mraz's you and i both [live!]
blink182's i miss you
allamericanrejects' my paper heart
penny tai's shui zhong yang
project pop's pacarku superstar
massive attack's teardrop [ thanks sya!]

hello there, the angel from my nightmare
the shadow in the background of the morgue
the unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
we can live like jack and sally if we want
where you can always find me
we'll have halloween on christmas
and in the night we'll wish this never ends.
we'll wish this never ends.

where are you and i'm so sorry
i cannot sleep i cannot dream tonight
i need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time
and as i stared i counted
webs from all the spiders
catching things and eating their insides
like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
will you come home and stop this pain tonight.
stop this pain tonight.

dont waste your time on me you're already
the voice inside my head

music in my head :: blink182 :: i miss you

parce que.

is there anyone to blame?i wish there was.but no, there isnt.i dont know anything either.im sorry.i couldnt be sorry enough.i was so naive.dont worry.i'll blame myself. ( :

Thursday, April 24

everyday i pass you by
in the faceless cacophony.
in your eyes a silent betrayal
of a heart in boundless irony.

i ask the trees around me,
i ask anybody who'll listen,
may i love this gentle angel?
may i plunge into the sea of sin?

for you