the reason why

reading: dropcity by t.c. boyle

music:
talking in traffic :: comrade dave [ren yu's band]
all of us :: blindside
try :: nelly furtado
this is the last time :: keane
almost :: sarah harmer
drive :: incubus
echo :: trapt
everybody wants you :: josh kelley
such great heights :: postal service
televators :: mars volta
spitting games :: snow patrol

walk away

shika shika

the more i grow, the less I know
and i have lived so many lives though im not old
and the more i see, the less I grow
the fewer the seeds the more I sow

"shika shika," i meditated through three-and-a-half essays, "shika shika," having started halfway between GATT [argh] and IMF.the night before was as bad as i promised myself it'd be, because all nights before history papers are somewhere on the road to suicide.splitting headaches - check; nausea - check; want to skip paper - check; want to drop history - check check check.but i'd expected it all, and times like this are when i think to myself: im already all i'll ever be

"How many people died from the Kama Sutra as opposed to the Bible?" – Frank Zappa

~!@#$%^&*()_+play:
KEANE! :: SOMEWHERE ONLY WE KNOW!
careful :: guster
until the day i die :: story of the year
silver and cold :: a.f.i.
space :: female of the species
broken :: seether featuring amy lee
the way its meant to be :: features
hurdy gurdy man :: donovan
country sad ballad man :: blur
how bizarre :: omc
do you realise [version 2] :: flaming lips
going inside :: john frusciante
sound :: further seems forever
sad and lonely :: secret machines

i am so unperturbed by common tests that i think i deserve a prize. exactly one year ago i was playing in the netball court. then, chased away by teachers because j2's were having common tests. thought, how horrible it'd be to be in their shoes. exactly one year later, and it isnt that horrible.we grow, i guess, just like how old people actually feel comfortable about dying.

haha and now time to mug. yea yea

it would be good

we were meant to live for so much more
have we lost ourselves?
somewhere we live inside

dreaming about Providence
and whether mice or men have second tries
maybe we've been livin with our eyes half open
maybe we're bent and broken

we want more than this world's got to offer
we want more than the wars of our fathers
and everything inside screams for second life

it would be good if i were a mayfly, year after year of being a larva, and then even more years as a pupa. adulthood would only last a year, twenty-four hours in mayfly days. my adult life would be a hedonistic search for sex, justified.

but what use is there in an "if only"? i second-guess myself again.this is such a letdown

music in my head :: somewhere only we know :: keane

so much for

so much for being well adjusted - never before have i been this afraid. i am drowning in a puddle, and my heart is the colour of the sea. i am afraid of the things i cannot do, i wish these things pile so high they fall off my mind. i am afraid of the things i want to but do not say, i wish words would say themselves so i wouldnt have to. i am afraid of my preferences, i wish there was no need to be somebody then i wouldnt have to choose. i am afraid of time, i wish i will never find out what i grow up to be. there was a time when i could do everything, but no more, not anymore. i am a knight without his armour. so yes, i am afraid i do not know what i am about going to do about the common tests, i have had enough of my awkward people at home, they are not the fucking angels they think they are, i want the things i am not allowed to have, i am afraid i might grow up to be a paedophile. a box is probably a good place for me now

music in my head :: 100 years :: five for fighting

there is something exciting about leaving everything behind.
there is something deep and pulling,
leaving everything behind;
something about having everything
you think you’ll ever need
sitting in the seat next to you

and I watch another white dash fly beside us
and I watch another white dash fly beneath us
away away.

got a heart full of rubberbands
that keep getting caught on things.

i played the fool today,
i just dream of vanishing into the crowd.
longing for home again.
home, is a feeling I buried in you.

im alright, im alright,
it only hurts when I breathe.

i cant ask for things to be still again,
i cant ask if I could walk through the world in your eyes.
longing for home again.
home, is a feeling I buried in you.

recidivist

im doing it again. strike nine?

music in my head :: maps :: yeah yeah yeahs
pack up
im straight
im not

oh say say say
oh say say say
oh say say say
oh say say say
oh say say say

wait, they dont love you like i love you
wait, they dont love you like i love you
wait, they dont love you like i love you

made off
dont stray
well, my kinds your kind i'll stay the same