i've been learning to drive my whole life

i like the peace in the backseat i dont have to drive i dont have to speak i can watch the countryside and i can fall asleep

because sometimes i cant be responsible for myself. addendum. it's never being in control sitting in the backseat. it's massive pangs of missing you that renews, begins, collects, lets fall. it's nights now without being anywhere near you, one year away from you. it's knowing we're no longer a team and no longer you and me against the world.it's being so caught up in us. it's us being boys, real men, real good moslems. it's me thinking i gave you everything from beneath me. it's remembering our last conversation was fuck you and fuck you right back. it's dying night after night after night

this road will never end

back to life also means going back to routine and surprises and dragging my feet and losing track of time. and all that is happening is great and terrible at the same time and maybe i should just remind myself, before i get too emo, that this was how it was, everything's just like how it was before, as my father put it, the intermezzo.

whats new is weights. i've actually a routine now, that i even follow. whats new is that i actually find girls like tammy sexy. whats new is that i've begun not to mind the morning train rides. as i see it, great times [or not] with my rota is just a good sleep away. whats new is erwin and everythings back to normal for him and he has prime spot on my handphone wallpaper.

whats old is the overwhelming urge to go back to smoking and drinking. whats new is how unbelievably close i am to actually doing it. whats old is that im really going back to schopenhauer-ND-asian boy mood every day. whats new is that dharma and i havent spoken in so long that she doesnt even know how cool i think im becoming. whats old is my father - he's turning 55. whats new is that he's getting his cpf that, according to him, the government planned on hoarding. and he's telling amazing stories of boozing and skipping a grade in secondary school.

whats old is that i see rudy and i freeze up and i see aprilyn and i freeze up. whats old is that i have a magnificent friend in harith but more than anything else im hung up that he's gonna ord in two months, without me. whats old is the weekend after weekend that i dont visit my old rota. and it fills me with a miserable dreadful feeling that things with central are changing that my ol' brothers maybe arent that ol' after all. whats old is that things keep happening and i keep blocking them out but there never are enough happy places to go to.

so yea. this is an old familiar feelin'. of new and old and yes and no and everything is jumbled up and everything must go and maybe i too was born on a train. this road will never end, hell, it prolly goes around the world.

embarkation/disembarkation

so, the past three months. not quite a blur, but was out of it for the most part anyway.

plucked
sunday morning and the boys were out for high-rise. my bags were packed and ready to go. sgt khairul and azli just sleeping as they always do. im sitting around in the dorm just thinking i cant believe im here and maybe what i meant was i cant believe i wont be here anymore. elias comes round to pick up me up in his green suv. one last trip with him, just blasting good ol' mj down the streets. tengku who has just finished raising the flag hails us down and kisses me through the wound down mirror. rauff at the gate, barrier up. deep breath and im out of there

i dont think i can do this
not that i'd like to say anything much about the worst experience of my life. but i deserve some kind of reward for the civillity and restraint with which i have treated the boc people. so here. this was a bunch of rude, loud, uncooperative, arrogant, lazy, impatient, self-important and selfish people. shant even mention the high standards required from them because they dont even meet the basic minimum as a working adult or young adult. of course there's puah and ishak and mavis and anthony and mr dn. but the rest were really..shit. and my suitemates. ugh dont even get me started

pop
a non-event, really.terribly disappointed that more people didnt turn up. dont know why, but this changes a few things.

indonesia
back to mad tripping with holiday mates! definitely another memorable trip. three near death experiences! falling into the swift river, knocking into a becak and murder by disgruntled taxi driver. not to mention the mad con trip by Samuel the fat ponytailed man and his young pretty girls and the "discotheque" where the dj is his friend. taking off and landing, feyaze getting stranded in singapore, fariz almost getting stranded in indonesia, wak getting stranded on his jetski with crazy-mad fisherman with killer paddle. times for mad laughs and A HOLE IN MY POCKET

landing
as fariz says, you know your holiday's over when...for me it's over when i really discover what a frickin pain in the ass it is to travel to boon lay two mornings out of three. and back! but jurong fire station's more than that. it's about fruit trees and large yards and a really HUGE rc dorm. and it's a lot more kampong than central is, everything's so laidback with slippers and night lectures on the verandah. and it's about a really cute oc [not in that way], cpt lee who's so willing to teach, and harith who i swear has got to be my secret twin. and it's about rota tiga again, at least something im familiar with. two shifts, four lives saved [one to be less capacious]. already by my second shift i've gained notoriety for most number of calls [three! hah! nothing!] and for proceed calls. julienne's nonplussed to know that i'll be protecting her life and property

so many things to do.with work, and with resuming life after putting it on hold for two months. things with central have changed in a way i dont quite understand yet. but at least elias remains my work-hubby. next week i visit him and his newborn son. dharma i know what you're sayin' but be patient. im not even joking about what a surprise you'll get