this road will never end

back to life also means going back to routine and surprises and dragging my feet and losing track of time. and all that is happening is great and terrible at the same time and maybe i should just remind myself, before i get too emo, that this was how it was, everything's just like how it was before, as my father put it, the intermezzo.

whats new is weights. i've actually a routine now, that i even follow. whats new is that i actually find girls like tammy sexy. whats new is that i've begun not to mind the morning train rides. as i see it, great times [or not] with my rota is just a good sleep away. whats new is erwin and everythings back to normal for him and he has prime spot on my handphone wallpaper.

whats old is the overwhelming urge to go back to smoking and drinking. whats new is how unbelievably close i am to actually doing it. whats old is that im really going back to schopenhauer-ND-asian boy mood every day. whats new is that dharma and i havent spoken in so long that she doesnt even know how cool i think im becoming. whats old is my father - he's turning 55. whats new is that he's getting his cpf that, according to him, the government planned on hoarding. and he's telling amazing stories of boozing and skipping a grade in secondary school.

whats old is that i see rudy and i freeze up and i see aprilyn and i freeze up. whats old is that i have a magnificent friend in harith but more than anything else im hung up that he's gonna ord in two months, without me. whats old is the weekend after weekend that i dont visit my old rota. and it fills me with a miserable dreadful feeling that things with central are changing that my ol' brothers maybe arent that ol' after all. whats old is that things keep happening and i keep blocking them out but there never are enough happy places to go to.

so yea. this is an old familiar feelin'. of new and old and yes and no and everything is jumbled up and everything must go and maybe i too was born on a train. this road will never end, hell, it prolly goes around the world.