ten upon six

the mat hatters - fairuz and i

cue the pulse to begin

because, like, i mean dont you think it's so, you know. yea whatever.

last night

i flew across the sky last night
just to keep your face in sight,
and there you lay in glowing dreams
sparkling like the rivers and streams.
i took a giant down last night,
tooth and nail - i won the fight.
and there he lay battered and torn
whimpering like the day he was born.
but it was only me last night.
i held the world under my foot!
wispy wile of a dissipated fool.
i thought i flew across the sky last night.

back to writing again, surprised i can do this still.

like a lazy prostitute

past exchange rates and most of the day, still nowhere. wanting to go out and run but you arent there. i'm playing the same game from a few years back, playing the fool again. tempting peril - so much to lose but so much more to gain. there isnt any point in playing it straight, because any verdant fringe borders but a barren spot. maybe this time it might work out but oh so frightening - hanging over the precipice, i see the rocks hurtling down the cliff and smash! to a spectacular end. wanting to go out and lose some things, because maybe the more i lose, the more i will be like you. teach me how to love like you; if i could only be sorry for loving you the wrong way i do

No man has been able to cut his hand away summarily from the damp familiarity he has with the the creatures of his kind. There have been countless attempts, The outcome of each, however, has been only this damp handshake again, only this sticky winking come round once more. Men like this, who essentially are incapable of maintaining a home, can find something like a household fire only in the gloomy eyes that say: "You, too, are one of our kind."

blues untuk aku

seperti bintang-bintang
hilang ditelan malam,
bagai harus melangkah
tanpa kutahu arah.
lepaskan aku dari
derita tak bertepi,
saat kau tak disini.

seperti dedaunan
berjatuhan di taman,
bagaikan debur ombak
mampu pecahkan karang.
lepaskan aku dari
derita tak berakhir,
saat kau tak ada disini

When I compare my body stretched out beside that boy, thought Yuichi, with my body now stretched out beside Yasuko, I feel so cheap. Yasuko does not give her body to me; I give mine to her, and I do it free. I am an unpaid prostitute. These self-deprecating thoughts did not hurt him as before; somehow they delighted him. Tired, he slowly sank into slumber - like a lazy prostitute. Forbidden Colours, Yukio Mishima

tentang rahasia

i join the cue on your answer phone
and all i am is holding breath
just pick up i know you're there
cant you hear
i'm not myself?

oh, go ahead and lie to me
you could say anything
small talk will be just fine
your voice is everything we owe to life
and it all depends on you.

it's only summer
the sun hasnt set
i refuse to believe that it's only me you fear
just hear me out
i'm not over you yet
love is on the line, can you handle it?

so how do i do normal?
the smile i fake
the permanent wave
oh, cue cards arent fixing it
cant you tell
i'm not myself?

hope dangles on a string/ like slow spinning redemption/ winding in and winding out/ the shine of which has caught my eye/ and roped me in/ so mesmerising, so hypnotising/ i am captivated.

fumbling my way through
the haze - never to,
but only around you -
for the longest of days.

and you were still,
and every part of you
screamed a story.

al-azhar

catching up with the pjc people

what kind of

what kind of hubris could it be, that renders you able to believe in yourself thus? your arrogant self-righteousness leaves me gasping for air. i would spit into your face but i do not because for a while there you had me. ah the true mark of a professional rapist: for a while the victim believes it is just retribution. you have me spread-eagled and you fuck me up and i want so much to watch you writhe in agony but no. because you believe you can get away with anything. and i let you. i couldnt do anything, because you'd always say it was all in jest, and impute me over-reacting. and there i lie spread-eagled and deflated just waiting for the next time you, anybody, comes around to fuck me up again. you do it the best though, you know what they say about people with big egos. why, you cunning prick.

star-crossed

behold this night, still and clear,
you look here just like an angel sleeping.
i wish i could ease your fears,
i would catch the diamond tears you're weeping.
in your eyes i would hide,
by your side i could defy
the forces tearing us apart.
but reality, as it seems -
looking back, is that our dream -
was fated from the start.

we're star-crossed and can't escape,
we're condemned and can only wait.
at this time now it's far too late,
the poison's in our veins.
it's true,
you can't save us.

pfah! what i wouldnt give for just another night with you! i see you and remember so well how you stumbled into bed! what, pray tell, could be more heart-rending than to look into forbidden colours? alas, i will want to look again.

careful, careful now.

very aware of everything now, i am high on anti-crystal. i look down and down, fathoms, miles deep and i see no end to the depths to which i could fall. but whats tying me up here? i dont know. i should've known - a false slumber is only that, fitful and shallow. i already am waking up now and i can feel the void billowing under me. agh what it must feel like to fall again i dont want to know [again]. but it is all so present, the void lingering under me. and everyday i dip my toe into it, like a child would into water. no, not tonight, but soon. soon all this will be too repulsive and i will plunge into depths, head over heels and flailing arms.

never should, sorry that
never should have believed that we enjoyed it. never should have thought that we were better than everyone else. sorry that you couldnt get what you wanted from me. sorry that you couldnt say it to me.

here by my side, you are, destruction/ here by my side, a new colour to paint the world/ never turn your back on it/ never turn your back on it, again/ here by my side, it's heaven.
weapon, the matthew good band