uh-huh.

"the need remains," veena from the new paper declared to me as she interviewed me. and yes, there prolly still is a need to help people around us. halfway through charity-archery today, however, it was as if i moulted and i began thinking that hell, maybe i dont want to be doing all this nonsense things for people. perhaps i've been spending too much time and energy on the unlucky's around me. perhaps i simply am too silly to understand this fully. whatev. the past week [and more] has been burnt on minutiae that im not very sure was worth my last week of pre-ns-dom. whatever happened to righting things with that crazy boy? whatever happened to exploring things with my other crazy boy? whatever happened to deviantART? and keeping fit? and RightKindOf? sold, for $13000, piles of unnecessary clothes, expired ginseng pills, half a box of calcium lactate, two tins of milk powder, one of milo, canned tuna and a spot of free publicity [hoho! jieming is SO avowedly a publicity non-whore]. in times of strength i build myself into great heights of nobility and selflessness, only to convince myself that in times of need i am capable of collapsing into myself.

after some pre-deviantART thought [aka introspective PC], i realised that all the nausea was[/is?] me just wanting to purge and expel. not last night's chicken or the free murtabak, just good ol' self-loathing me. hah! photoshop here i come!

grand-ogl-ing/crashing orientation was very tastefully bland. people were adequately interesting. games and storyline hugely disappointing. im not too sure. rachel insists it's a case of "sally" but i swear it's true - where were the backdrops? what happened to the av? did they rehearse? what's with the non-costumes? and the non-props? and the nonsense strewn all over the stage? oteam prolly did try really hard though. oh i dont know. the most convincingly good thing that came out of k'predorus was how chong lin became such a sistah. haha like seriously. gave her a huge paper crane giving her the thumbs up and she gave me a stone. it's better than it sounds.

J spent the night at my house yesterday, and i fell into the whole subconscious 16 trap - used "we" waaaayyyy too many times. we talked ourselves into delirium under my old and worn power rangers blanket, eg saying 12 dollars instead of days and the "did you tie" gaffe. woke up and just lay in bed holding each other, me intoxicated by his scent [fa man deo, apparently. i'll get it for myself.], his smooth but thick skin, and he looking at my fine but morning hair. by the time we woke up i was late for my mount E appointment. if only this was what the kembangan club was about. sexless but fun nights, i mean.

mount E was good stuff for reasons i shall not publish. what was also fun - for me - was walking down to paragon in tshirt, shorts and slippers as though i lived just around the corner [shaf would know what i mean]. finally lay my hands on death cab for cutie's transatlanticism, though i dont know whether i should thank gramophone for bringing it in for me or to complain about why it took like 10 years. ah music can change so many things, no?

my mother [like literally] left for manila today, two days before i leave for ns. and my father is coming back from jakarta only tomorrow night. not like it matters, because i'd rather not have them around to layan during the whole inception procedure. plus they're such fucks anyway. what i hate is how it's such a classic dont-mention-anything case. urgh shant elaborate, but im filled with sulphurous contempt. why do i even bother about this kind of things? because they give me money/sustenance and i have to find a way to be filial, but only because i want to be.

im very ambivalent about ns. it'll be fun and all and i mix very well with bengs/mats. only im very afraid that i'll be too tired to do anything on weekends. and i refuse to be an nsman. forever be an nsboy. even if im paying higher fares.

i've got a hunger
twisting my stomache into knots
that my tongue was tied off

my brain's repeating
"if you've got an impulse let it out"
but they never make it past my mouth.

bah, this is the sound of settling
our youth is fleeting
old age is just around the bend
and i cant wait to go grey
and i'll sit and wonder
of every love that could've been
if i'd only thought of something charming to say.
death cab for cutie, sound of settling