want [one]

the condition of my need foils many an attempt to help me i think. i want independence but i desire security. i crave normalcy yet i expect to be special. one might say all i actually need is someone to tell me what i really want, because i am unable to tell decide for myself what i want. i caught myself midsentence on sunday while chiding fah yik for being indecisive, because people in glass houses shouldnt throw stones; even now i am still uncertain whether i should have given up art for the humanities scholarship. when it comes down to it, i am a blackhole of need. because i do not know what i want, i ask for everything. because i dont know what i want, i need someone to decide for me, and i know very well that that itself is already too much to ask of you. how could i ask you to provide for two when the conditions of our needs are so immense? i was afraid in the start that one day i might ask too much from you and now it is all coming true. i saw from the beginning that our relationship was one constructed on my need and your ability to provide. now we are both sinking, our foundations buckling under my weight. as reluctant as i might be, as you might be, i fear that there is only one way that we will go, and that is into oblivion. all because of the condition of my need, my neuroses, my fig-tree. i truly am sorry for exhausting everything.

this is all back to sec3. i havent talked to D ever since we melted down and collapsed from the exhaustion that was the two of us. it's all coming back now.

"He himself is a thing like the sea. The sea's exact depth is the depth of the sea at what time? Had his identity sunk to its lowest tide...at a time like this lazy high tide, asking for nothing, when anything is too much?"
Mishima, Forbidden