miasma

i remember very clearly one [wednes?]day in 2003. 'twas a hot afternoon and i was all changed outside my J071 ready for a run when i saw a message had came in while i was in the spex gal toilet. D mentioned j. prufrock, something andy loh had showed us in prac crit class before. now i keep returning to j. prufrock every now and then, except it's not because D [inmate on pulau tekong now] mentions it but because of Circles.

really, it is impossible to say just what i mean! too much of the time. how do i tell a 21 year-old subordinate who gives waaay too much information to shut up because i dont think you know what you're talking about even though you have all of three years on me except nodding and sighing? how do i tell the PMT im staying up to do desk the whole night because i just feel like sitting here and watch you concentrating on left ventricles and wonder at your jawline as you're glancing sidewards at me except to grumble and slip away to sleep? how do i tell the guys that i am already really afraid that any one of us is going to leave because then a part of me will die except to flip the middle finger and walk away without turning back?

rachel wonders when i will learn golden reticence. but because i dont understand, dont know, or dont like what i want to say, it is as if i throw all my balls in the stand at one time hoping that at least one will hit a bottle.