Transfers

every time i think about the work left to be done in jurong fire station, and i think about the journey i am undertaking now, i almost cannot see the difference. i am far away from home, my entire being is consumed and i cannot look beyond the next hour. but there is a difference, there must be a difference.

JFS took every part of me but i have left nothing there. i am enamoured by the firefighting and rescue work, but that was from the days of Central. JFS reminds me now about surviving as the leader. it was sleepless nights, worrying about my men, thinking about decisions that had been and to be made, at times even doubting my own dedication. so all the time the mantra was to try harder, be better, dont do that shit again, do that with finesse. it was about being professional and impeccable in PR. it was about being THE man among men when i was really just a boy in this field of men. now at the end of it, there is just relief, because i dont want to be in a place that doubts me even after having swallowed me.

and right now on this crazy journey, my body, mind and soul are once again occupied. but this is not new. this journey has taken me since the dreariness of work set in. at times when i was swamped and struggling to breathe, all this was a little mental oasis. now on the bus to ConFest for NYE, i am living its reality. this is a biting reality though, because we dont know how we shall carry on the journey after we get down from the bus. this isnt such an enchanting idea but it's necessary - the adventure is final. it'd have been a lot easier to stay at mayour beth's place in stratford. but it'd also have been a lot easier to stay home in singapore.

back in JFS, everything had to be done instantly because the coding could go off anytime. work would assault me like waves and lists never grew shorter. now only the present is real. yesterday's experiences have been packed away and tomorrow is a thick fog. i could climb, swim, run, as far as i have to go, but sitting on this bus going through small towns with only maggie is what i want to do now. it has been a year in the making, and i am living a year's worth of living.