[im]possible

i fancy this being the last thing i say to you. but not im not very sure whether it will. i never am very sure about anything. anyhow.

i dont understand you either. there were times when you made me feel as if i was on a roller-coaster, the wind through my hair, and every second speeding past too quickly - there were times when you made me so happy, so important, so wanted. and then there are times when i feel like an afterthought, less important than grades, less important than competitions, less important than performances - there are times when you made me feel so second-class.

i admit that i always say that grades, season, and cca are the most important things in these two years. but i also like to imagine that i am worth some sacrifice, some kind of trade-off, some kind of effort. right now, more than any other thing, i feel like i am worth so little to you - i am only worth the treat you insist you owe me, i am only worth the presents i give you, i am only worth the money i give you.

maybe i just want to send you on a guilt trip. maybe i just want to be honest. i'll tell you this now, in order to let you have all the things i have given you, i have sacrificed a lot. all that i gave you are not significant in their monetary value; they are significant because of the sacrifices i made in order to give you what you said you wanted.

i feel like i am being stretched over a line. on one side of the line is what i want, and that is to love you. my sanity, my coherence, my instincts are all on this side.

on the other side of the line there is what is good for you, and that is for me to not love you, to be religious. on this side lies my desire to be a man, to give you what is actually good for you, to not care about what will happen to myself.

night after night i pull myself taut over this line, and i do not enjoy the sensation, it scrambles me up and i get a headache. you must either have the strength to pull me over to you, to be with you, so i can begin to have some sort of mental recovery, or you must have the will to cut me from whatever binds me to you, so i can begin to build myself on someone else.

do you want me? or do you have to let me go? you must choose. because you know i can never choose. chances are you will have to let me go, because you are my biggest impossibility. i can make myself get four A's, i can make myself run for hours on end, but i cannot make you love me and i know that. so please tell me fast what you choose, dont be afraid to hurt me, because i already hurt myself anyway.

and indeed there will be time... time for you and time for me,/ and time yet for a hundred indecisions,/ and for a hundred visions and revisions,/ before the taking of a toast and tea... and indeed there will be time/ to wonder, "do I dare?" and, "do I dare?"... do I dare/ disturb the universe?/ in a minute there is time/ for decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

all i want, you see, is for you to remember how much i want to reverse bungee with you. for you to know that the best birthday present would have been a replacement friendship band that would only take up time, not money. for you to understand how significant that last run at canal route would have been for me, if you'd only woken up in time. for you to know how important it was for me to have 24 before i went into ns. for you to understand that i really hope you will be happy. urgh. i know we are now very close to goodbye. you will say no and i will be sec3 all over again. M was right. in all my stumbling clumsiness, i throw everything i have away.

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