leaving notes II

well, we scheme and we scheme but we always blow it
we've yet to crash, but we still might as well tow it
standing at a light switch to each east and west horizon
every dawn you're surprising
and the evening was consoling
saying, "see, it wasn't quite as bad as"
dashboard, modest mouse

okay, so maybe i got a little over-indulgent earlier on. it's great to move on. i'm amazed that i even had the will and determination to finish packing this afternoon. my stomache is aching and i know that things are still the way they are. rudy and i have been spending a bit of time together. says that you can still love someone without spending any time together. i'll give 'im credit for that seeing how he's really matured now. i watch him suspend me in mid-air as he sits low on the seesaw. we're chatting like that. we switch to the swing. the night is quiet and the buzz of the PIE suspends our disbelief for a while, as if we dont have to listen too much to what we're saying because of the loud traffic. did i hear him tell me that i mustnt spend too much time with "my man"? things are A-okay. nothing really matters between us, not after tonight. we've really become friends now, and we're even physical, going kayaking and climbing and running and jumping. i tell him i dont know if i can ever fall in love again. after tonight though, i know i will meet the best boy from the other side of the world. after three years, we've resolved most if not all our differences. everything remains a little sidenote now, all contextualised and its magnitude understood. it's all good, it's what i call the australia high. it's confest, new year's day 2007, lena and i come out from our tent. we have breakfast then go looking for the creepy old french dude. she's going for hypnotherapy and i tell her i think i might go too. we're lying on the ground and ants are biting me, but i concentrate on his voice and then i go far away. we bring ourselves back to the world and everything is better now. 2007 will be a great year for us, i told her last night as i leant in to smell her hair and feel her smooth shoulders in my arms. one night she calls me as i'm on the patio with stefan smoking some shit. i hated melbourne that day, but i hear her voice and she tells me about gorgeous byron bay. as i speak to her i notice the moon, and stefan and i spend the night laughing at him again. and hell was this a frickin' good year. back to central fire station again, this time with adzfar, and everything's almost as good as the original times. sure the people are mostly gone, but the workload's non-existent and the calls are still plenty. a rainy saturday afternoon, the alarm goes off while adzfar and i are licking our fingers after lunch. a quick rinse and off we go. packed at the back of the pumper it's as if i never left central. we're going at it like madmen, cutting pieces of metal away to extricate the three men stuck in their cars. we're done and we pack them off to hospital. it's another job well done. back to station. waiting for the alarm to go off again. it's a life on the edge, always on the verge of a crisis. it's the kind of lifestyle to have and keep. now here we go!