maybe yes, but still, no

"maybe yes, but still, no" is the only answer i could muster after, after. after what i do not know. there is so much i could and would say but i cower from the deed --- the very thought of it fills my heart with sulphur and makes my head thump and stomach churn. probably the only thing that is stopping me from doubling over and puking the life out of myself, both literally and figuratively, is the person who lies sleeping behind me now. but even that is fading fast, and i do not know how long i can keep this - anything, everything - up. i want to be at the last time now, only less messy. and no responsibility.